Monday, April 28, 2014

My Kingdom of Isolation

Yes it's a Frozen reference.  How can I not when we listen to it 24/7?  Surprisingly we haven't been watching it a whole lot but it still is about all we listen to anymore.

Yesterday was a bad day.  A very very bad day.  I don't know why.  I had been thinking about Aaron in the morning, had a good cry, and thought I was done.  Then at church there was a baby blessing.  Then of course there are several babies who just hang out.  And because I have no calling I get to sit in Sunday School and Relief Society and look at them.  In all the weeks since Aaron's death it's actually been ok.  There have always been babies and there was another baby blessing a few weeks ago.  Yesterday I just couldn't handle it.  I tried to get Chopper's attention in primary to get the keys to the car but he wasn't affected by my Jedi mind manipulation and I wasn't about to open the door with my tear-stained face and blubber out -- I need your keys!!  So I searched for a place in the church where I could be alone.  Easier said than done.  I finally realized that the Relief Society room was actually empty because there was no air conditioning.  So I sweltered and cried.  And I'm still emotional today.  It was just very very bad.

But a calling was extended.  Of course it won't be official for 2 weeks (stake conference this week) but I'm excited about it.  I'm excited to have something to do and yet to be cut off.  Because I will be.  And I need that.

I still do things with my close friends and I certainly don't shut myself in the house, but more and more I find that I am cutting myself off from people.  I don't like crying in front of others, I don't want to answer the questions of people who are new and don't know -- I don't even want to answer the question of how many kids I have.  Saying 4 means I have to explain.  Saying 3 feels like a lie.  It is a lie.  Even the very simple question of "how are you" is awful.  I'm fine, I'm good -- no I don't want to elaborate and no it's not really the truth.  Our stake president and his wife told us that initially it's bad, then it gets better, then it gets bad again.  So it's bad again.  For how long?  That whole first year of a child's life is constant milestones and of course there are babies in the ward that are Aaron's age.  So am I going to lose it when they start cutting teeth or crawling or walking or smiling?  Probably.

I'm also kind've tired of the "at least" comments.  They don't come so frequently anymore but "at least you have one that's guaranteed" does not help.  Nor does "at least you'll get to raise him in the millenium".  I KNOW that both of those things are true but when I miss him, when I need desperately to hold him, and when I'm trying to hold it together and keep a calm face in public it's not really what I want to hear.

Well this turned into more of a rant than it was supposed to be.

So on the bright side -- the girls both had well-child checks today.  Abby weighs 29 lbs (5%) and is 37.75 inches tall (10%).  She's got really bad eczema right now that I think is allergy triggered.  My doctor says that identifying the allergy wouldn't necessarily change the way we treat it so I'm not going to subject her to that right now.  Instead, Benadryl, Claritin, and lotions to ease the itch.

Megan is 36.8 lbs (5%) and 42.5 inches tall (5%).  I had to point out that she is NOT the smallest kid in kindergarten though!  When the nurse came in with the vaccinations needed Megan started crying.  I practically had to yell at her that they weren't for her.  She stopped crying immediately and said, "well then who are they for?"  As soon as I said Abby's name, SHE started screaming and crawled under the exam table.  I had to pull her out and hold her down.  I didn't tell her she's going to have to get 2 more in July.  On the way home they were both complaining about shots so I started a conversation about WHY we get them and what kinds of diseases they prevent.  Very morbid I know but they were both interested and it got Abby to calm down.  I told them the names of several disease and then they were asking about the symptoms of each one.  The best one was Abby asking what happened to you if you got "weaselness".  Took me a while to figure out that she was talking about measles!!

So other than small and traumatized, both girls and happy and healthy.  At least until the next set of shots is due!!!


Jaime said...

I think of you everyday...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I so appreciate your post...what you said is so true and I'm deeply sorry. You are such a positive person and an excellent mother. So many prayers are being offered in your behalf. You are teaching many lessons to those who are silently watching. Thanks for writing down your's a way to cope and I admire your strength. Hugs to you all!
Jaime Mickelsen

Alicia said...

I'm sorry you are suffering. I don't have any words of advice for you since I know I can never know how hard it would be.

But, I can relate to the drama at the doctor's office with shots. Melynn got her kindergarten shots this last week and also crawled under the chair.

I hope you can feel more peace. Sending more prayers your way!