Yesterday Aaron would have been one month old.
Chopper asked me last night if I felt lost. And as I think about it, I do. We've spent a long time worrying and counting. After all, a pregnancy is measured in weeks and marked in time by doctor's appointments and developments. How many weeks until the morning sickness is over. Then it's when will I be able to feel movement and find out gender and see him on the ultrasound. And of course most of his pregnancy was also accompanied by worry which added to the counting in some ways.
After a baby is born you continue to count usually by months and mark all those baby milestones that happen in the first year. But our worry and stress and planning and our counting disappeared and I don't know what's next. I don't really know what to do with myself.
We have really been able to count on our family and friends though. I've had many individuals reach out and tell me their own stories of loss. I didn't know I knew so many. The best thing about hearing them though is hearing how they have been strengthened through trials and loss the wonderful testimonies that have been borne to us because of it. I'm not going to share specifics because they're not mine to share and because those testimonies are precious to me. I count them among my blessings right now and every time I think of those when I count what would have been for Aaron I am comforted.