I'm not even sure where to begin. It's been an emotional week and I feel very overwhelmed with stuff. But then I have friends who are going through very heavy things right now and I think that what I have to deal with isn't so bad. But it is mine and it is difficult.
I'm struggling with the girls. Maybe this isn't something I should be writing here because it will go into our book and someday they'll probably read it and be mad at me. But then they'll be moms and they'll understand. Hopefully.
I am struggling with tears and whining. With negativity and crankiness. For Abby, a nap in the afternoon still helps. She doesn't want to take it but if I can get her to lay down with me she's usually out in about 5 minutes and it dials down the emotional outbreaks. For Megan? I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to teach her to be happy because it's not her natural personality but I don't know the first thing about how to do that. When she whines and grumps and complains my buttons pop and I get mad and frustrated and I'm sure that that's not teaching her any great lessons. But then in all honesty, I have a really hard time reading parenting books. It's not just the fact that they have good info. and not so good. They're boring (there I said it!!). I would much rather prefer a novel. But that doesn't help me. Well, it helps me escape. William's tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants are over the moon as well so I feel like things are just hard.
Then it's been a hard Aaron-missing week. Chopper found out that the wife of the scout leader he combines with from another ward is pregnant with twins but one has a serious aneurysm in his heart and they're not sure he's going to make it. Chopper passed along my number and she's called me a few times to ask questions, hear Aaron's story, that kind of stuff. I like being able to help. That's why I talk so much -- so that it hopefully helps someone!! (or at least that's what I tell myself!!) I hope that I'm being supportive and helpful to her because it's been very hard for me to relive the whole experience in detail. Add to that the sense of upheaval that we are feeling at home right now (although we're not going anywhere just yet), and I've been very raw lately.
I've been trying to make more positive things in my life and focus on the good things to combat all of this. I've been exercising (yeah, that's a miracle), and taking vitamins and watching what I eat in an effort to physically feel better than I have been. I hate to say that it's working. I hate to say it because it hurts. I'm not good at restricting myself, maybe I should say disciplining myself. I like to do what I want to do! I've also been trying to soak in the good moments with the kids -- Abby's excitement over going to preschool twice a week, both of their clothing choices for school, William's "recipe" for calming down -- mommy, blanket, milk -- in that order, and the increasing amount of words (or what are supposed to be words) that he's using. A roof over our heads and a good elementary school. Great friends and ward members. The end of hot hot summer and the beginning of hot fall. The fact that I just heard from the other room "this is the most beautiful flying lizard you've ever seen!" -- great imaginations.
2 weeks ago I went to Time Out For Women with friends and had a fantastic time and heard from amazing speakers. Perhaps I need to go back and reread my notes and make cards for myself with inspiring quotes to post all over the house. We all need to be uplifted often and I'm grateful for those who do that -- it makes me excited for General Conference in a few weeks as well! I'm grateful for my faith in Jesus Christ and for the Gospel in my life. I seriously don't know how people handle life without those things.
Now I'm rambling. I need to go take some pictures and get them slapped up here really!!